Alternate headline for this post:
An archeological dig into my conflicted feelings about getting married and changing my name.
In some of the past lives I’ve experienced, my husband Alex has been: a member of the same small tribe, a co-worker on a ship & a bartender who let me read palms at his bar.
After years of past life scenes and never seeing anyone that I know from my current life as Jina, this year something shifted. I started to see Alex in my past lives. Not so much as see him rather than sense or feel him. This was a surprise because, for the past 5 years of doing PLR, I’d never seen anyone I knew in this life. I can’t usually get real detailed visions on faces in these past life scenes.
Some people see clear faces. Not me. It’s more a vibe I pick up. Alex has the same vibe in every single life:
Always appreciative of + interested who I am & what I think.
Always trying to make me laugh & not take life so seriously.
And - this is a big one! - he's not offended by who I am/was. Because listen, I'm compassionate yet will/can not suffer fools. If someone is talking out of both sides of their mouth, blaming others, or complaining over & over about things they refuse to change, I’m incapable of pleasantly smiling & nodding my head in agreement. I lovingly call people on their bullshit.
"I see you. I love you. And I know you can do better."
I have friends who used to call me Mean Jean because of this quality. I'm all love... with some sharp edges. Love nonetheless.
In each life, Alex and I have gotten closer & closer.
A brief history of our shared lived that I've seen.
We were barely acquaintances in a village in primitive times somewhere in the UK. I was detached, abused, & planning my escape to live in the wild on my own. He was always trying to catch my eye, talk to me, make me laugh, try to make me feel better. I was too distracted & desperate.
Then he was a young guy working on the same ship as me somewhere off of Norway. I was old, grumpy, isolated. He was such a joy to work with although I was too crotchety & irritable to show him I enjoyed his company or reciprocate any joy. I relished his company and I died in his arms after a heart attack on the ship. My last thought was, “I wish I could be more like this man.” I had this feeling I wanted to be his equal, be more like him, be BFFs. As I’ll describe more in a future post, this is 1 of the values of experiencing a death scene in a PLR. What we think or what we repeatedly say as the soul leaves the body leaves a mark that’ll influence future lives, thought processes, feelings, attractions, repulsions, etc.
Then, he was this super charming, young bartender. I was an old woman who read palms for a living (in Oregon). He thought I was interesting & let me sit at his bar & read the palms of all the wealthy travelers/goldrush people who would stay at the hotel attached. I thought he was cute. He thought I was interesting. While we made an odd pair, we were good friends. I had this overwhelming thought in that life that I just wanted to be near him.
These pieces were not the prominent point of any of these PLR sessions. They’re more subplots that were entertaining and, when all strung together, have some meaning.
That’s a benefit of more than one PLR session. You start to see how things are weaved together in the tapestry of your soul.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
For much of my life I had this feeling that wouldn’t get married. I love relationships (+ relations!) but I had this picture of who I wanted to be, the life I wanted to live and I had never met anyone that meshed well with it. They’d often take my needing alone time personally. They’d become offended by my observations + ideas. They wanted to have kids. They didn’t laugh enough. I could go on and on (see “Mean Jean” reference above).
I never felt duped or like I was doomed to walk the planet alone. Now, after all of my PLR experiences, I can see maybe it was because I’ve had so many lives alone that in this life with friends and family (that I would choose as friends), I feel so filled up and lucky.
I’ll save the long story and just say that I have never had the drive to be with someone more in my life. I believe this has to do with our growing connection in past lives. While I wanted to be with him forever, the actual getting married part was something I had such a difficult time with. I’ll post more about what I discovered about this fear in a PLR session that made these anxieties go away. Until then…
I think our past life connections are also why I am passionate about being his partner but can never remember the year we got married. Many people don't skip a beat when asked how long they’ve been married? Or, when did you get married?
For me, I'm always debating, now, um, what year did we get married? Then the math from there. This date is just not that important to my subconscious mind so it’s not on the ready to answer it. I just wanted to be with him.
All this is also why I took his last name.
I never thought I would change my name but then as we had more talks about getting married, I started to feel differently.
While there are parts of my ego and personality that are slightly off beat with taking his last name, there is a tidal wave inside me that swallows those ideas and makes it so comfortable to take his name. We’ve been married over 3 years (yes, 3…) and I still have a flash of wonder at times of whether I should have taken his name or not. It’s an ancient connection that draws me to every part of that being. It cancels out so much.
Yes, of course, sometimes he drives me nuts. But then I tell him he’s driving me nuts and why. Then we laugh about it. Sometimes we're laughing at him and his weird habits. Sometimes we're laughing at what a dick I can be. We both have a vigorous sense of humor on top of it all. Which helps everything.
So instead of wrestling with the should I/shouldn’t I about my name change, it’s easy for me now to look back and see why I feel good with both options and why I chose his last name.
You know, instead of driving myself nuts about it for the rest of time. Priceless, my friend.
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